I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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