You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
