rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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