I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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