I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
