I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
