you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just had sex on a roof
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
