Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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