i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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