It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize