it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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