I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
