someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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