I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize