Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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