My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
