So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We need a shit load of segways right now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
