We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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