i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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