note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
