do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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