im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
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I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
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We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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