There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"