I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
