your parents love me but you hate me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Terrible idea I love it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
