I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
