Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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