remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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