If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
