she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
