Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
