Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
not ubering you a puppy
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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