Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
