is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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