never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I AM VODKA MAN
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
