I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
