btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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