i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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