So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
