I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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