Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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