two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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