you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
