That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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