my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
