I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
