Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
