The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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