Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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