I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I could make wine with my vomit
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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