Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
