I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
