Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
