never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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