You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
