I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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