True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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