I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
